I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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