Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
too bad you live with your parents still
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
