i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
