I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
