Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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