Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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