did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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