im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
