New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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