now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
