What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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