No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
