having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
