Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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