mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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