Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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