Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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