Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
