but the lizard people decide everything anyway
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
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