Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
they need to just BURY HIM!
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Randomize
