you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
