The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i jhust puked up my retainher.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Randomize
