not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
