So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Randomize
