my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Randomize
