DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
