her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Randomize
