how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
