i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
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