I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
