someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
she peed on how many people?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
You did what with his pubic hair?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
