Dude my mom stole all your condoms
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
