Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
