Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
