My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
