The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Randomize
