benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
