My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
