So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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