When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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