Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
