I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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