she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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