I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
