All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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