Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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