Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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