So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Success! We fucked roommates!
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
