you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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