is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
