I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
