I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I can't trust your balls anymore.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
