Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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