we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
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You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
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If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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